How much of You is YOU?

[testboner]

Back when I was growing up in Los Angeles (born in 67), and btw, it was AWESOME back then - the best, no better place to be, there was a writer who’s work I was exposed to very young, Charles Bukowski. I recall reading this from him and it had a large impact somehow some way for some reason: “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be.” The effect that had in me was more of a curiosity that wound up proving preperative of institutional shaping, formative years of exposure / experience to come - the indoctrinating / enculturation of school and civic structures. I never fit their molds well - by 5th grade I had had numerous calls into the school office, parent / teacher meetings with one particular memory becoming a badge of honor in my thinking: “Your son fights the system.” That is very meaningful to me.

I’ll add this in here to the theme / spirit of this thread; the earliest introduction to me about voting didn’t resonate acceptably / comfortably / naturally for me in elementary school, it simply didn’t resonate for some reason, it didn’t intrigue me but rather somehow repulsed me - made me pull away and distance from my peers amusement and curiosity of it.
I for some reason had an inner “anarchistic” impulse very early on. By sometime in my Jr high years, I began asking myself and some others within my circle; “how much of you is you?”

Well…. the spirit of “Testboner” it turns out developed early on . While sharing numerous things in common with “the group,” I just don’t fit the flow of much that others express interest in: finances / investment, political persuasions, military / nationalist intrigue and tribalism tendencies, a statist fetish for a “law and order” institutional adherence and so forth. I’m somehow more inclusionary than exclusionary with regard to the suprematist ideology of “America first” or MAGA.
Be that the ingredients of whatever it may or may not be, I enjoy and care about all my funky fellow TID brethren. We are (as it seems to ME), a diverse, funky, intriguing collective of various degrees of misfits. Much in common, while also coming from many different backgrounds, and thinking with many different ideologies. Nevertheless a “family” of sorts for many many years - quite the core group here. I’m thankful for and appreciate each and all of you here - regardless when we disagree or agree. Always a big group hug - even when at times I’d like to meet in an octagon.

All that for whatever it’s worth, I want to pose the question already shared; these are unique times we’re all living in together, and there are unique challenges in this system we’re all facing - “How much of You is YOU?”
I hope a depth of consideration of that can resonate with each of you.
I’ll close with the sharing of this:

 

[Yano]

I am a mirror of sorts a mime and a clown.

First time my IED ( intermittent explosive disorder ) took over I was 5 , damn near ate a Dr trying to give me stitches. Sounds funny to think some one that small getting "mad". It took a room full including my mother to strap me down to a transport board , which I broke and started to tear the straps out of .. first time I was sedated.

I was made a bit broken and the meds flatline you emotionally. You just kind of float around watching and observing but that's the trade off to keep "it" asleep or at least groggy enough to function around people.

After we moved from New York / New Jersey and up to Maine momma became the town librarian. My best friends were always books.

I would just get lost in books , they don't judge you , they don't stare at you , they don't antagonize you. I learned how people act and interact and learned how to imitate that from what I read.

I learned when to smile , when to laugh , when to be sad. An there are rare times , I drop it all and just try to be me.

Sports helped regiment it and gave me an outlet. Grandfather was GG boxer he taught us , I studied some on my own , then other sports , Hammer , Shot , Disc , then Football and now powerlifting ... the moving of heavy circles has always helped to center me and keeps me even.

Life happens here n there , I'm a shitty ducker , I do stupid shit and we have the PTSD diagnosis on top of everything.

Without the meds I'm not a raving loon ... well not full on haaahahaah. Depends on who ya ask I suppose

It's better now that I'm older but there are times just a look a bump a perceived slight or insult and it just goes BOOM! takes 20 30 min to kick itself out and I fade back to semi coherence , like after a seizure. CNS is fried and i'm floating in dopamine and what ever else.

Most of who and what I am is a collection of books , characters , people i've met and folks I admire living or dead.

Some where inside all of that , is still a kid laying on the living room floor watching Saturday morning cartoons and reading a Daredevil comic book.

 

[Bigtex]

I guess we all have our story. @testboner I grew up in the 50's and 60's. A military brat, my father a US Army Captain, Grandfather a US Army Colonel. When I grew up it was a much harder time for kids to live through and the country as a whole was in complete turmoil. We had been involved in a war that the people were lied to as well as those who got drafted into the military. We had paramilitary groups trying to destroy the country, socialism on the rise and hippies preaching tune out, free love, rock and drugs. In high school we had three groups, the popular people, the red necks and hippies. I didn't fit into any of them and learned early in life, I marched to a different drummer. I never wanted to be in a group and always distrusted anyone of any authority. My up bringing made it very hard to even work much less have a meaningful relationship. Early in my life I was drafted and off I go to San Diego for a few weeks and then off to lovely Da Nang. Again, I had no path to follow so the Marine Corps figured I would be a prefect fit with a small group in the 1st recon that generally had no purpose than to wonder the jungle pretending to gather recon on what were told was the enemy. Hell, big shock....everyone there was our enemy. I saw things during that time there that no 18 year old should have to see and was totally numb emotionally once it came time for me to go back home. I had about zero appreciation for the life of another. Once arriving there were no parades and no appreciation for the time I was forced to give to save the country from communism. What did show up to welcome us home were the typical anti-war, anti-American groups. Were spit at, called cowards, cursed and accused of killing babies. Welcome back. It was very hard to settle back into a normal life and no one wanted to hire an emotionally fucked up vets who might go off and slit your throat. I was not ready for college, not fit to have a normal life and the very Marine Corp I served in offered no help what so ever. Thanks for your service. It was very hard to very adjust and every time you close your eyes you wake up believing you are being shot at. Everything I saw in the past 13 months ran through your head every time you closed your eyes. Finally, I got an Greek ex-cop nigh club owner that put his trust in me and hired me as a barback for a strip club. I eventually worked my way up to a manager and worked for some very large club corporations for the next 21 years, much of it working for the mafia. in NYC and Miami. At least i had a job and a career. 100's of relationships later and 4 marriages I finally beat my demons and started to settle down around 40 years old. I voted for the1st time in my life at maybe 40 years old because I completely lost confidence in my government. Two things saved my ass from drowning in life......powerlifting and my current wife of 25 years. I got out of the violence of working in nigh clubs, got educated and slowly turned my life around. The memories of the past are still there but it has been put in the past and no longer haunts me. I came out of all of this not becoming a drug addict, and alcoholic and spending my life in prison. My goal for the past few decades has been to give back. I still march to a different drummer and still don't listen to authority very well but I have learned how to temper my feelings and find pleasure in preserving life and not taking it. My wife and I work with feral and stray animals....those people have turned their backs on. I also do a lot of personal speaking dealing with health and wellness after spending many years as a coach and educator. I also started voting for maybe the past 25 years and trying to contribute to a country that took so much from me. I was a pretty normal kid who grew up in a small town, my parents didn't have much and worked hard for everything they had. I was never given things and had to work for things I wanted. Fucked up times.....I learned early in life, time can be much more fucked up.

 

[testboner]

I guess we all have our story. @testboner I grew up in the 50's and 60's. A military brat, my father a US Army Captain, Grandfather a US Army Colonel. When I grew up it was a much harder time for kids to live through and the country as a whole was in complete turmoil. We had been involved in a war that the people were lied to as well as those who got drafted into the military. We had paramilitary groups trying to destroy the country, socialism on the rise and hippies preaching tune out, free love, rock and drugs. In high school we had three groups, the popular people, the red necks and hippies. I didn't fit into any of them and learned early in life, I marched to a different drummer. I never wanted to be in a group and always distrusted anyone of any authority. My up bringing made it very hard to even work much less have a meaningful relationship. Early in my life I was drafted and off I go to San Diego for a few weeks and then off to lovely Da Nang. Again, I had no path to follow so the Marine Corps figured I would be a prefect fit with a small group in the 1st recon that generally had no purpose than to wonder the jungle pretending to gather recon on what were told was the enemy. Hell, big shock....everyone there was our enemy. I saw things during that time there that no 18 year old should have to see and was totally numb emotionally once it came time for me to go back home. I had about zero appreciation for the life of another. Once arriving there were no parades and no appreciation for the time I was forced to give to save the country from communism. What did show up to welcome us home were the typical anti-war, anti-American groups. Were spit at, called cowards, cursed and accused of killing babies. Welcome back. It was very hard to settle back into a normal life and no one wanted to hire an emotionally fucked up vets who might go off and slit your throat. I was not ready for college, not fit to have a normal life and the very Marine Corp I served in offered no help what so ever. Thanks for your service. It was very hard to very adjust and every time you close your eyes you wake up believing you are being shot at. Everything I saw in the past 13 months ran through your head every time you closed your eyes. Finally, I got an Greek ex-cop nigh club owner that put his trust in me and hired me as a barback for a strip club. I eventually worked my way up to a manager and worked for some very large club corporations for the next 21 years, much of it working for the mafia. in NYC and Miami. At least i had a job and a career. 100's of relationships later and 4 marriages I finally beat my demons and started to settle down around 40 years old. I voted for the1st time in my life at maybe 40 years old because I completely lost confidence in my government. Two things saved my ass from drowning in life......powerlifting and my current wife of 25 years. I got out of the violence of working in nigh clubs, got educated and slowly turned my life around. The memories of the past are still there but it has been put in the past and no longer haunts me. I came out of all of this not becoming a drug addict, and alcoholic and spending my life in prison. My goal for the past few decades has been to give back. I still march to a different drummer and still don't listen to authority very well but I have learned how to temper my feelings and find pleasure in preserving life and not taking it. My wife and I work with feral and stray animals....those people have turned their backs on. I also do a lot of personal speaking dealing with health and wellness after spending many years as a coach and educator. I also started voting for maybe the past 25 years and trying to contribute to a country that took so much from me. I was a pretty normal kid who grew up in a small town, my parents didn't have much and worked hard for everything they had. I was never given things and had to work for things I wanted. Fucked up times.....I learned early in life, time can be much more fucked up.

Damn BT, I didn’t know your background to that extent, thanks for sharing, and sorry you went through all of those experiences…. and thank you for been willing in good faith to do good. I’m sorry for all the shit you were put through.

 

[testboner]

I am a mirror of sorts a mime and a clown.

First time my IED ( intermittent explosive disorder ) took over I was 5 , damn near ate a Dr trying to give me stitches. Sounds funny to think some one that small getting "mad". It took a room full including my mother to strap me down to a transport board , which I broke and started to tear the straps out of .. first time I was sedated.

I was made a bit broken and the meds flatline you emotionally. You just kind of float around watching and observing but that's the trade off to keep "it" asleep or at least groggy enough to function around people.

After we moved from New York / New Jersey and up to Maine momma became the town librarian. My best friends were always books.

I would just get lost in books , they don't judge you , they don't stare at you , they don't antagonize you. I learned how people act and interact and learned how to imitate that from what I read.

I learned when to smile , when to laugh , when to be sad. An there are rare times , I drop it all and just try to be me.

Sports helped regiment it and gave me an outlet. Grandfather was GG boxer he taught us , I studied some on my own , then other sports , Hammer , Shot , Disc , then Football and now powerlifting ... the moving of heavy circles has always helped to center me and keeps me even.

Life happens here n there , I'm a shitty ducker , I do stupid shit and we have the PTSD diagnosis on top of everything.

Without the meds I'm not a raving loon ... well not full on haaahahaah. Depends on who ya ask I suppose

It's better now that I'm older but there are times just a look a bump a perceived slight or insult and it just goes BOOM! takes 20 30 min to kick itself out and I fade back to semi coherence , like after a seizure. CNS is fried and i'm floating in dopamine and what ever else.

Most of who and what I am is a collection of books , characters , people i've met and folks I admire living or dead.

Some where inside all of that , is still a kid laying on the living room floor watching Saturday morning cartoons and reading a Daredevil comic book.

Yano, I’m sorry to hear of the degree of of your battles. I’m hoping you’re doing as well as possible . Keep persevering to the greatest degree of self control possible. I have and am fighting to maintain composure / self control to the best of my ability, medication free… I’m just “free-balling” through my battles.

 

[Yano]

Yano, I’m sorry to hear of the degree of of your battles. I’m hoping you’re doing as well as possible . Keep persevering to the greatest degree of self control possible. I have and am fighting to maintain composure / self control to the best of my ability, medication free… I’m just “free-balling” through my battles.

You ever need to talk , yell holler ,scream at the fucking aliens and need some one to hear , just hit me up. A lot of people fight battles no on else can see but that doesnt mean were alone.

It's ok to not be ok. We forget that as "men" it's ok to talk about feelings we have and get them out before they destroy us. We all have monsters that live in the darkness , more light we can bring to them the less terrifying they are.

 

[Bigtex]

Damn BT, I didn’t know your background to that extent, thanks for sharing, and sorry you went through all of those experiences…. and thank you for been willing in good faith to do good. I’m sorry for all the shit you were put through.

Appreciate that! Its in the past now and it made me who I am today. I just been the last few years I have been willing to share any of it. Its too bad we all couldn't have lived that "Leave it to Beaver life" but we take what is dished out to us.

 

[testboner]

“America is no longer for the People”

Not that he ought to be agreeable with everyone 100%, but he’s a working family man, and a marine veteran. He’s an “American,” whatever that even means anymore. His thoughts on the Bill that has passed: