jipped genes
VIP Member
- Oct 22, 2022
- 1,383
- 1,677
So I was sitting watching the UFC last night and I get a ding on my phone from my back camera. I thought meth head but I opened it to find a raccoon hanging from my roof. I have had to replace shingles in this spot and blamed it on really big squirrels. Not this time. I grabbed a flashlight and my weapon of choice, a broom. (no guns in the city unfortunately) I stealthily go out the sliding back door onto the patio, I know the raccoon is looking for scraps of dog treats our old dog looses.
I walk to the corner of the house and peek around the corner. I had a thought in my head I wish I could have camo painted my face and was not wearing slides on my feet. The Raccoon was 6 feet away searching in the grass. I leapt out like the heroic warrior I am and gave this mad beast a battle cry of such fury that the Valkyries from Asgard would weep at the ferociousness. The broom came down with power enough to kill an ox but my battle cry was folly. The raccoon was retreating and I missed just brushing it's haunches with the bristles bending the shaft and and shattering the plastic base. I continued my assault as the raccoon ran for the fence. This time I was ready and baseball bat style swing of the broom knocked the heinous beast back down as it climbed. I did not think this through as I had a ranged weapon and the raccoon landed within the effective range of my compromised armarment.
It was my turn to retreat. Backing up in slides with socks on is not good and I soon found myself at a disadvantage of just sock feet. The Raccoon stopped about 5 feet from me in the middle of the yard. Our old dog had come out with me and walked between me and the raccoon, I thought the raccoon would attack and I was ready to defend my old boy but I think it realized he was no threat and even 3 feet away he could not see the raccoon. It gave me the distraction I needed and I went back on the offensive. I swung the broom down hard like I was driving a railroad spike in with a sledge. I landed but the crimped shaft on my broom gave way and I was left with the broom hanging by a piece of metal. The raccoon was stunned, I hit it right in the head. I grabbed the two halve of the broom and ripped them apart, except the did not come apart. I had to bend them back and forth several times to get them to break. Come on bro, I got strong posterior delts I should have been able to hulk style break that bit of flimsy metal.
This was not good, instead of one long range weapon I had two short to medium range weapons and an opponent that could get under my guard and climb me like a tree while biting the whole way up! In the span of the 3 seconds it took me to break the broom the raccoon had recovered. It growled like a bear, how does a smallish animal get such a mean sound? I was now dual wielding and my civilian dog was helpless and clueless just feet away dropping a deuce in the grass. He is almost blind and deaf. I moved between my boy and the raccoon, It followed me with it's devil eyes making a strange undulating sound like vuvuvuvuvuvuvuvu, but scary.
I outweighed this animal by 160 lbs but I have seen raccoons take on big dogs and win when I lived in Georgia. Also, their super power is rabies and I do not particularly want rabies. My options were limited, I had blown the element of surprise and had two short/medium range weapons instead of a superior long range weapon. I chose to be a real man and charged the creature with a howl that would scare a polar bear off it's kill! The raccoon relented going for the fence again in the face of my ferocity. I was in control boys, I felt like a gladiator in the ancient arena whos opponent cracked after an exchange and let on that they were scared and I knew I would win. I let the raccoon run to the back of the yard and climb to the top of the fence where the raccoon presented it's backside as it prepared to leap into the alley I battered that devil with a strike like Conan beheading Thulsa Doom. It tumbled from the fence, thudding on the concrete. I ran to the closest back gate, unlocked and exited the safety of my fortress back yard. The raccoon was no where to be seen. I triumphantly locked my gate, walked by my absolutely oblivious dog who was sniffing where the battle occurred and walked into my house like the champion I know I am.
I grabbed and cracked a beer, leaned on the counter and sighed. I bent down and scratched my dogs head, he went to lick my hand but missed because he was facing the wrong way and could not se me. My son was gone, out with friends and my wife asleep. Just me and my boy know the truth of this terrifying tale of bravery, fear, determination bot mostly fear...Raccoons are no joke. I have done battle with them before and lost. I confronted my fear and I feel like warrior king and my home, my castle.
I know deep in my heart that the raccoon will be back for revenge. I will not live in fear! I will stand up to tyranny of raccoons and squirrels! I am the line between suburban safety and furry mammals! May God bless me in my quest to keep our home and our neighborhood out of danger.
I put my stout wooden rake by the back door, just in case. I have to go to the store and buy a new broom today too.
BTW there is 3 feet between my fence and the roof for scale this coon was no joke.
I walk to the corner of the house and peek around the corner. I had a thought in my head I wish I could have camo painted my face and was not wearing slides on my feet. The Raccoon was 6 feet away searching in the grass. I leapt out like the heroic warrior I am and gave this mad beast a battle cry of such fury that the Valkyries from Asgard would weep at the ferociousness. The broom came down with power enough to kill an ox but my battle cry was folly. The raccoon was retreating and I missed just brushing it's haunches with the bristles bending the shaft and and shattering the plastic base. I continued my assault as the raccoon ran for the fence. This time I was ready and baseball bat style swing of the broom knocked the heinous beast back down as it climbed. I did not think this through as I had a ranged weapon and the raccoon landed within the effective range of my compromised armarment.
It was my turn to retreat. Backing up in slides with socks on is not good and I soon found myself at a disadvantage of just sock feet. The Raccoon stopped about 5 feet from me in the middle of the yard. Our old dog had come out with me and walked between me and the raccoon, I thought the raccoon would attack and I was ready to defend my old boy but I think it realized he was no threat and even 3 feet away he could not see the raccoon. It gave me the distraction I needed and I went back on the offensive. I swung the broom down hard like I was driving a railroad spike in with a sledge. I landed but the crimped shaft on my broom gave way and I was left with the broom hanging by a piece of metal. The raccoon was stunned, I hit it right in the head. I grabbed the two halve of the broom and ripped them apart, except the did not come apart. I had to bend them back and forth several times to get them to break. Come on bro, I got strong posterior delts I should have been able to hulk style break that bit of flimsy metal.
This was not good, instead of one long range weapon I had two short to medium range weapons and an opponent that could get under my guard and climb me like a tree while biting the whole way up! In the span of the 3 seconds it took me to break the broom the raccoon had recovered. It growled like a bear, how does a smallish animal get such a mean sound? I was now dual wielding and my civilian dog was helpless and clueless just feet away dropping a deuce in the grass. He is almost blind and deaf. I moved between my boy and the raccoon, It followed me with it's devil eyes making a strange undulating sound like vuvuvuvuvuvuvuvu, but scary.
I outweighed this animal by 160 lbs but I have seen raccoons take on big dogs and win when I lived in Georgia. Also, their super power is rabies and I do not particularly want rabies. My options were limited, I had blown the element of surprise and had two short/medium range weapons instead of a superior long range weapon. I chose to be a real man and charged the creature with a howl that would scare a polar bear off it's kill! The raccoon relented going for the fence again in the face of my ferocity. I was in control boys, I felt like a gladiator in the ancient arena whos opponent cracked after an exchange and let on that they were scared and I knew I would win. I let the raccoon run to the back of the yard and climb to the top of the fence where the raccoon presented it's backside as it prepared to leap into the alley I battered that devil with a strike like Conan beheading Thulsa Doom. It tumbled from the fence, thudding on the concrete. I ran to the closest back gate, unlocked and exited the safety of my fortress back yard. The raccoon was no where to be seen. I triumphantly locked my gate, walked by my absolutely oblivious dog who was sniffing where the battle occurred and walked into my house like the champion I know I am.
I grabbed and cracked a beer, leaned on the counter and sighed. I bent down and scratched my dogs head, he went to lick my hand but missed because he was facing the wrong way and could not se me. My son was gone, out with friends and my wife asleep. Just me and my boy know the truth of this terrifying tale of bravery, fear, determination bot mostly fear...Raccoons are no joke. I have done battle with them before and lost. I confronted my fear and I feel like warrior king and my home, my castle.
I know deep in my heart that the raccoon will be back for revenge. I will not live in fear! I will stand up to tyranny of raccoons and squirrels! I am the line between suburban safety and furry mammals! May God bless me in my quest to keep our home and our neighborhood out of danger.
I put my stout wooden rake by the back door, just in case. I have to go to the store and buy a new broom today too.
BTW there is 3 feet between my fence and the roof for scale this coon was no joke.
