Bro, have been where you are. Understand this: Kids are smart. They know A LOT more than we give them credit for. They sense stability and love. It is is how they are designed...its how we all were designed. You knew when you were young who really loved you and who ignored you, etc. They know.
With that said, I know from personal experience that there is no pain like not seeing your child when you want to....and that is pretty much all the time! And, it is the knowing they are there AND knowing you can't see them that hurts the worst. It is a feeling of helplessness and a lack of control like I had never felt. There is nothing any of us can say to correct that. You will cry if you are a normal father. The ability to turn your back on your child IS NOT NATURAL in my humble opinion. If anyone thinks it is wrong that you cry or that I cried, they are the ones with the problem!
But know this: There will be a day when your child will ask questions. Be ready and be showing them that you love them EVERY DAY. Call, write, show up at their school, whatever the laws and agreements allow. It is a commitment beyond that of a job or the gym or anything. If you love your child as you should, you love them as you love yourself. THEY WILL FEEL THIS....and one day, someday, they will fully understand where that love came from. That moment is what you live for. It is what I lived for. It is what we cry for.
Now, I have full custody. It was about 5 years of WORK - driving, calling, writing, visiting school, etc. - and, unfortunately, legal actions that got me what I wanted and MORE IMPORTANTLY what my child told my ex he wanted. I waited until he asked to live with me before I acted. That was very hard, but it was worth it.
There are too many great conversations (for me to list here) that my child and I have had over the past few years concerning the times I was not there. But to him, I was there. He knew I was there all the time because of the things I said and did. One of the greatest things was when he said he never knew I was mad or upset at his mom...but he also knew how bad it hurt me to let him go. HE WAS 9 when he said all these things to me! Another great moment!!
Sorry if I bored everyone with this story. I could write a book and actually do have two or three file boxes of items from over the years. I plan to show him one day the hell that it is for a father in that situation. Maybe it will help him avoid it??? If it does help him one little bit, then it was all worth it. After all, what would I not do for my son? NOTHING.
Good luck brother. If you think I can ever help you, please let me know. It is a long, hard road but I will be here as will the rest of the normal folks here!
-CC-
