Only For The Unashamed!!!!

[TODAY]

Bud, though I am not a female, I am gay. My sister, who is straight, told me many years later, that she and a girlfriend messed around. I also suspect my mother likes women as much as men, though she has never said so.

My thoughts on this, are, let your daughter define who she is, and when she is ready, she will tell you. I would not change the rules for her, just be sure they are fair and reasonable and don't suffocate her (sounds like you're pretty good on that front).

One thing I have discovered is kids these days don't like labels and often reject them. Many of them are attracted to both sexes and focus instead on the individual qualities of the person they want to spend their time with, rather than whether the person is a woman or man or has a gender identity that matches their sex.

So you can probably ask your daughter whether she is gay or lesbian (I don't know if that is still a good label),and she may answer, but be prepared for an answer that will leave you scratching your head and raises more questions than it answers.

I think the important questions are: are you happy? Are you safe? Are these good people you are spending time with?

And the most important message you can send her is you love her and want her to be happy no matter who she falls in love with and even if she does not.

As for defiance, that is hard to say. I was very defiant of my father, but not so much my mother. But my dad wanted to control me in ways that I thought he had no right to. My mother was much more accepting and allowed me to explore and to take risks and she only reined me in when she thought I might hurt myself (i.e. real physical harm, not anything else). So she focused on heavy drinking, drugs, violence and dangerous activities (as did my dad),while my dad went quite a lot further and tried to get me to behave like his robot, causing me to feel great resentment and rage toward him as he escalated things to attempt to control me.

It does not sound like you are a controlling father. However, it is likely she misunderstands why and resents it when you set down rules for her or challenge her on things. I think many children and parents run into this, and reminding her you love her and want her to be safe, will help, even if she does not admit it.

An interesting technique my parents used, that was very effective, was to give me permission to go to underage drinking parties but asked me to please be moderate, or to call for a ride if I got too drunk. I appreciated them giving me permission, and because I respected that they asked me to comply, I did without fail (well maybe I failed a few times, but not that often).

Good luck and I hope this helps at least a little bit.

This right here is an excellent post.

 

[BovaJP]

Hi @BackAtIt
Female here responding.....
I do want to preface something and touch on something (some great posts here by the way), that we should all get away from using labels, as that tends to lead people and group people, etc. Then you associate stygma's to said group. But I get it, we all do it....

I'm female, married to a male. But I like girls. Do I fit into your framework you are looking for? bwahahaha
I like having sex with females, but not relationships. I have a marriage with a male. If you want a label, i consider myself bi-sexual. I like my cake and I want to eat it too lol.

I get that you are looking for insight from a female perspective. I suspect that her hormones are GOING CRAZY, which exacerbates all problems with females LOL. Then she has social pressures from school and environment. She is probably feeling way overwhelmed in that she is the only one with these feelings and no one understands. I get it, I been there.
Females need constant love and support. And when you don't think they need it, they need it even more. And when they don't accept your love and support, give it more. Pro-tip right there.
She may be stubborn and unresponsive to your love....GIVE IT ANYWAY, SHE NEEDS IT, now more than ever! Don't hound her for her sexual preference just because you want to classify her. Treat her as if you would all your other kids with the love and support from a great fatherly figure. Kudos to you for reaching out in here to discuss what sometimes to some people can be an ugly matter/sensitive topic.

If she is super, super rebellious....then please send some love her way in any way/shape or form that both you and your wife can. Have you talked with the other siblings at all about this? Will your daughter talk to them about it? Maybe one of her sisters can provide anything. Does your daughter open up to your wife?
I suspect that your daughter may be ashamed of her feelings, and acts out towards you because she has other normal sisters and doesn't fit the norm of society any longer. Suspect that is playing into things as well.
Our society is so harsh on gays its unreal. At least in generality. And some states and regions it is extremely hard.

I also want to point out, that many, many, many straight girls have many, many gay guys as best friends. Want to know why? They are not threatened by them because they know they don't want them and they can be themselves with them. I tell you want, she is probably getting more love from her gay friends than some straight lol.

Anyway, feel free to PM me or respond here or whatever. Hope it helps.
Sounds like you are a great father, and now an awesome grandfather, congrats!

 

[woodswise]

Hi @BackAtIt
Female here responding.....
I do want to preface something and touch on something (some great posts here by the way), that we should all get away from using labels, as that tends to lead people and group people, etc. Then you associate stygma's to said group. But I get it, we all do it....

I'm female, married to a male. But I like girls. Do I fit into your framework you are looking for? bwahahaha
I like having sex with females, but not relationships. I have a marriage with a male. If you want a label, i consider myself bi-sexual. I like my cake and I want to eat it too lol.

I get that you are looking for insight from a female perspective. I suspect that her hormones are GOING CRAZY, which exacerbates all problems with females LOL. Then she has social pressures from school and environment. She is probably feeling way overwhelmed in that she is the only one with these feelings and no one understands. I get it, I been there.
Females need constant love and support. And when you don't think they need it, they need it even more. And when they don't accept your love and support, give it more. Pro-tip right there.
She may be stubborn and unresponsive to your love....GIVE IT ANYWAY, SHE NEEDS IT, now more than ever! Don't hound her for her sexual preference just because you want to classify her. Treat her as if you would all your other kids with the love and support from a great fatherly figure. Kudos to you for reaching out in here to discuss what sometimes to some people can be an ugly matter/sensitive topic.

If she is super, super rebellious....then please send some love her way in any way/shape or form that both you and your wife can. Have you talked with the other siblings at all about this? Will your daughter talk to them about it? Maybe one of her sisters can provide anything. Does your daughter open up to your wife?
I suspect that your daughter may be ashamed of her feelings, and acts out towards you because she has other normal sisters and doesn't fit the norm of society any longer. Suspect that is playing into things as well.
Our society is so harsh on gays its unreal. At least in generality. And some states and regions it is extremely hard.

I also want to point out, that many, many, many straight girls have many, many gay guys as best friends. Want to know why? They are not threatened by them because they know they don't want them and they can be themselves with them. I tell you want, she is probably getting more love from her gay friends than some straight lol.

Anyway, feel free to PM me or respond here or whatever. Hope it helps.
Sounds like you are a great father, and now an awesome grandfather, congrats!

Wow. Now that is a great post! Thanks for it BovaJP!

 

[ebony_raven]

My guess is that your daughter does not respect you because she has figured out that you are the special type of idiot who would seek lesbian only, child rearing advice on how to raise her, from a bunch of jacked up steroid users on a predominantly straight male bodybuilding forum.

Ok, this was hilarious LOL

 

[ebony_raven]

Wow. Now that is a great post! Thanks for it BovaJP!

I am also like Bova. I am definitely a straight female, but I've had moods that strike me and I've done things with women. I agree that she has a LOT of hormones and when I say hormones are a powerful thing, they are. I have considered things, and I have actually done things that I never would have since I have started taking testosterone. I know your daughter is probably not taking steroids, I'm simply saying that hormones are very powerful.

Anyway, Bova said everything perfectly, couldn't have made a better reply myself.

 

[Mike_RN]

I am also like Bova. I am definitely a straight female, but I've had moods that strike me and I've done things with women. I agree that she has a LOT of hormones and when I say hormones are a powerful thing, they are. I have considered things, and I have actually done things that I never would have since I have started taking testosterone. I know your daughter is probably not taking steroids, I'm simply saying that hormones are very powerful.

Anyway, Bova said everything perfectly, couldn't have made a better reply myself.

Sorry to muddy up this thread but...those highlighted lines...boing!

 

[Trainurbody]

You've been given some great insight. I grew up believing that I was gay, and lived a large amount of my life as a lesbian. Then I met my husband, lol Anyway, one point that hasn't been made, that I think may be important, is that you are comparing your youngest daughter to your two older daughters, as far as behaviour. They grew up at a different time, than your youngest. Young people always have a lot of pressure, peer pressure, as well as school, home, etc. But society has changed since your two other daughters were younger. When I was growing up, I could never get away with some of the things I see young people do today. But as I said, society changes, and it isn't really fair to compare her to your two other daughters. Also, as the two other females have mentioned, hormones are probably raging for her right now, and I think we all know how powerful hormones are.

My best advice, is to lover her, period. You've said that she already knows that you are not judgemental about being gay, which is awesome. You sound like a great parent, and I applaud you for seeking advice. Good luck, and of course, you may pm me if you have any questions.