Jul 3, 2018 I know this is probably not the optimal place to share this, but I just need to get it down on paper so to speak. At work I met a girl who was on placement, I basically fell in love with her the moment I set my eyes on here. But she had a boyfriend, however she stated that she had been with him for almost two years but had been unhappy for the last eighteen months….. We were getting close, she was playfighting with me at work and there was a spark. Shortly after I returned from a visit to Florida she found out she was 5 months and 3 weeks pregnant with his kid. She got an emergency referral to an abortion clinic and that was that. Days after the abortion we continued getting closer, we would often go for walks after work where he would be trying to call her, and she would just ignore his calls. We were getting closer and then she would pull away because of what she stated was guilt, she eventually decided to attend the same university as me so I was sure I’d still be around and just needed to be patient. He joined the army but would often call her crying…. stating how he couldn’t deal with it and wanted to leave…but she tried making him stay…. Stating to me if he comes home she couldn’t deal with his shit. He came home, and she left him for a week, but then went back to him. We continued being close and in may ( 6 months after we started getting close) she finally left him….two days later we had gone to the cinema and within a week she had stopped at my place. After a few weeks she admitted to me that towards the end of their relationship she would close her eyes and think of me when they were fucking. I’d also just like to point out that he was her first love It’s worth noting that her mum worked at the same place as me, she was continually telling me not to give up on her and that she thought I was the best thing for her daughter. I also want to point out that I never touched her whilst she was in a relationship, she told me this guy was no good but she loved him. So I just tried to stick around and be the better man, if she was happy I wouldn’t have dreamt of even doing that. In honesty I wouldn’t normally even entertain the idea, but I fell under her spell and abandoned my principles/what I believe in for her. But she convinced my that this guy was a piece of shit and in my eyes I had this angel in front of me. Anyway we went on holiday together here in England, before going to Rome and Italy together. I remember her telling me the only place he had taken her was for an abortion. We moved to university together and unfortunately the stress of everything got to us. I also found it difficult to trust her, I was aware that she may do to me what she did to him. But I loved her more than anything in this world… I Still do. In April she broke it off, but asked me to remain friends which I didn’t want to do but she was very unstable and I couldn’t leave her like that. She would still sometimes hold my hand whilst out walking or lay on me when watching a film. It was all very confusing and emotional torture for me, we had planned a life together and I still wanted that. I wanted my daughter to have her smile…. I never wanted kids before I met her. Trying to remain friends was difficult, I still wanted her and it seemed like somedays she wanted me but other days she didn’t. Fast forward to Friday last week…..she went back to him. The guy had no idea why she left him, but had suspected there was something going on with me and her…. Which technically there wasn’t but she was emotionally cheating on him. So I thought to myself…. You did that to him because you said he was a cvnt, now you are doing this me….. So I told him everything…….he still fucking took her back. How can you take somebody back who did that to you, how can you trust them? Infact how could she have done that to her first love in the first place? I just don’t understand. I’m hoping one of you will tell me they wont have a happy ever after and that I have placed enough doubt in his mind for it to unravel. I must be honest, I’ve never been so low in my life. I am not sure how I survived Friday night and I do wonder how much longer I can hang in here. I know logically I shouldn’t care about her, but I’ve had anxiety/emotional issues since I was 10… I’m now 26. In those sixteen years I have had nothing but chaos in my head… when we were together she gave me the greatest gift anybody could give to me…peace. I also have just recently realised that I am somewhat of an idealist, believing that people should put others before themselves, keep promises to the ones they love and do anything for them. But now I understand that’s not reality, that people only care about themselves…… If you’re a good person or a bad person it doesn’t matter….what matters is how well you play the game. This is what I now need to do, otherwise the world will have chewed me up and left me dead by the time I’m 30. I am not writing this for pity, as that doesn’t help anybody…. I am just hoping somebody can help me understand how he can take her back or what has just happened in the last year of my life? I am hopeful that I will be able to pull myself out of this darkness, but if not I will find my peace. I haven’t trained in years and the things I used to do to look after myself I no longer do. At the minute nobody would believe I have ever held a weight In my life, but I know if I am to make it…. The iron… the improvement of my body and self esteem will help my mind massively. But at the minute I do not possess the resources to begin. Right now the only things I take comfort in is hoping that her whole world unravels and that one day she see’s me and realises what a mistake she made. I also just want to say that people here in this community,the ones that are no longer here and other forums that you guys frequent have given me support over the years. I cannot convey how grateful I am for that.