How do I tell my wife she is FAT :(

[Twiliightmoon]

I'm trying to be honest here. Yeah, it sucks, but one comment you can make will last a lifetime. My ex told me when I was about 20: "You look good, but you could still stand to lose a few more pounds." I was 5 feet tall at 98 pounds and my doctor wanted me to gain weight because I was anemic. But that comment he made has stuck with me my whole life. I remember it word for word. Women are like elephants, we never forget. I remember going out that night and getting hit on by an old boyfriend and I always wondered if I would have been better off.

I know from experience that it does not work very often if a husband works out with their wives. It happens, but it is rare. The couples I see at the gym don't hover around each other. They do their own thing and meet in the middle. I never, ever liked that my ex would critique my workouts, even when he never worked out himself. I've heard from other trainers that they cannot train their wives. They would like to, but I don't think the wives can handle the comments. And my trainer never got upset when I called him an ass, he knew he was doing his job then.

What I did at my gym is watch the trainers. I really looked at what I wanted. I didn't want an "easy" trainer. Believe it or not, my son offered to pay for 1 month of training if I found a good trainer. Sometimes a trainer can be the key of kicking yourself into goals and working out. Someone not related to you. If possible, give your wife a "gift" of a few training sessions, but let her decide who she wants to train with.

Just an idea. But realize, my ex left me because I was getting into shape. He figured if I stayed heavy, no one would want me. I got hit on more when I was heavy than how I look now.

 

[zipbolang]

well sounds like youre got a great degree in shallow with a minor in uncaring.and trying to find someone here to justify the fact that youre really wanting to, if not already stepped out. Fireman? well you should know that bodies can change, burn and look horrible at a seconds' notice. Fat? really? thats your biggest worry cause shes not hot enough for you? What happens when youre 90 and YOU dont look hot enough for HER? What if youre injured on the job and are burnt disfigured or crippled (knock on wood)? You can afford to workout all the time because you work the shifts you do; shes managing kids home and other things.

So shes a bit fat and by that, we dont know what level of "fat" according to you. So get into BBW what can we all tell you? You just want to sleep with one of these hotties always coming onto you anyway, otherwise you wouldnt have mentioned it, right?

Be honest with her and dont set her up for YOUR psychological fall: tell her you dont find her attractive physically and want a 3 some with one of your hotties or something but dont string this along and then just cheat anyway. and destroy her..all because of something so fleeting as physical looks..they're going to go away buddy, bank on it and all youll have left is that fat stranger across the breakfast table looking at you..better have something else to talk about other than sets and reps.

 

[RedNeck]

I flat out told Mrs. Redneck she was getting fat. She was pissed, but appreciated it in the long run.

 

[macgyver]

It is a delicate balance for sure.

But know this......she KNOWS what her body looks like. Now there is something else going on that allows her to accept this (if she previously kept her self in shape). It may be depression, stress, or any number of things. I think addressing it from a concern for her general health or that you can see she is not acting like she used to (rather than concentrating on her waist line) may be a better approach. The weight may just be an example of something she has lost sight of.

My wife hit me with the 'health' thing after our second child. She was back in the gym and in great shape. I had been out of the gym for almost a decade and she just approached me and told me I should be taking better care of myself. At the time I was working a lot and under a lot of stress. She offered to help me in those areas so I could get back to spending some time on myself. I appreciated her approach and I still got the message. In the end, I am sure you love your wife and concern for her not really caring should outweigh if she is not wearing skinny jeans right now.

 

[Bullmuscle7]

You mention positive things about your wife. Tell her those things...everyday.

Tell her she's beautiful...because she is.

Positive comments and loving comments have a way of transforming people and making them want to be even better for the person they love.

Sometimes people who are physically beautiful look into the mirror and think that is all there is...

Others look into the mirror and know that isn't so.

 

[GiantSlayer]

Don't do it. Besides, there are usually external factors that drive people to eat comfort food so maybe resolve those issues and the situation takes care of itself.

 

[Dirk Diggler]

~~

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I know better not to say anything negative to her as quoted here, women are like elephants and they do NOT FORGET I've been married for 20 years, I get it..and her. I have bit my tongue many times and always encouraged the positive in her, never saying anything negative. But 3 years of this down hill spiral is frustrating for me as there has been little or no effort on her side. Just to let ya'll know , I could have stepped outside of our marriage multiple times but I am faithful to my wife and family..PERIOD. Every time I have been approached, I politely tell the interested party, I am flattered, however, I am married and plan to stay that way, so thank you, but no thank you...with all due respect The only Issue I have with my wife is that her priorities seem to be TV and eating like Crap & then complaining of how bad she looks and fells about her body! IT's a lack of self respect issue. The biggest turn off for me is hearing someone complaining how fat they are and doing nothing about it but complaining and then continue doing the same bad habit over and over again. It's a loose - Loose situation for me, IF I dare say anything, I"m the asshole and she will never forget any negative comments, yet I say nothing and another 3 years of bad habits go by = problem just gets .......Bigger, for a lack of better word & to make things worse, all of this is compounded by lots of beautiful girls hitting on me. I know better not to go down this road, but at times, I can't lie and say I have not been tempted. The only issue I my wife and I have is her lack of self respect. Yes, I have been tempted but I vowed to her our wedding vows and I plan to keep them! I'm just really frustrated as I am dammed if I do, damned if I don't....and damned if I do. I know that I need to find a positive way to get her motivated and that's my only move. IF I"m honest with her........I loose and that has never set right with me. The only positive thing about this is that she has been going to the gym 2-3 days a week, but no real effort. I don't dare train her ( I used to be a personal trainer years ago and I am a peer fitness trainer @ work ). I could not agree more to pay someone else to do that job Delicate balance, that's for sure!

Thanks everyone for the input!

Never forget the importance of trying to be attractive to your significant other. Realize that attraction is not just physical but also emotional, spiritual and self respect. Remember when you were dating how important it was or is to be attractive to your significant other, always keep site of that

 

[DLTH]

You don't you simply just don't.
Maybe start doing family sports or hikes. Maybe use the route that as a family let's eat better for health. But don't tell her she is fat or unattractive to you.
Those are comments that go in the female Rolodex and get brought back up repeatedly. And hurtful as well.

I'd have to completely disagree as I've been in the exact same situation as dirk. My gf at one point gained 40lbs at there comes a time when you lose attraction and it effects your whole relationship. It's not shallow or being "mean" to ask your significant other to take care of themselves. If they are not happy with their body then why would they think you would be? No matter what way you bring it up it's going to hurt their feelings but that's better than it going into a failed marriage or leading the guy to cheat, which is exactly what happened in my case. If she's packing on the pounds now and she's already 45 it's only going to get worse.....you need to tell her and figure out a gym routine or a diet together and help eachother, don't just sit there and act like nothing is wrong. Trust me that doesn't work, I know cause I've been there.

 

[Dirk Diggler]

Thank you DLTH, I appreciate your comments as many others here. Some are quick to throw stones at a ****ing heart beat, I"m just trying to be real and come up with some good approaches in how to deal with such a delicate subject. I truly appreciate all of the honest and true to live experiences on ways that I can help resolve this issue which lead me to figure out how to direct the path to fitness goals I know how sensitive of an issue this can be and, well, is for me right now. I just hope this helps others in the future.

I"m frustrated with my wife's choices and priorities, I have always told her how beautiful/sexy she is and nothing has gotten her on the path to loosing weight or trying to look good for me and more important...for herself! In addition to that, the temptations keep on getting thrown my way. I would never cheat, but day after day, no change.....it's just ****ing frustrating!

 

[BrotherIron]

WOW.....

If someone's significant other is gaining weight, getting to skinny, etc.. You should be able to speak your mind without fear of hurting someone's feelings. Hell, SS has a weight I'm not allowed to drop lower then b/c I look skinny and that's not allowed. Just like I have a weight she's not allowed to go over. We love each other no matter what but let's be honest.... we're all visual creatures and we do care how the other looks.

 

[DaSarge]

I think if her food choices and TV watching are the issues, those habits could be broken with a little effort from both of you. When she wants to watch TV, ask her if she wants to go for a walk or something. Perhaps you could help prepare more healthy meals together??? Change the time(s) when you eat? Grocery shop together and don't buy junk food??? Good luck...

 

[Iron Sand]

I have always been a firm believer that you simply never say anything. Lead by example and work towards activities that will help her physically but help the two of you bond. She knows. If you know...she knows. Saying something is stating the obvious and not going to help anything.