Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Member Online Journals' started by Go Away, Mar 7, 2016.
You have a good amount of support here, come hang out more often!
Hoping to start back into lifting tomorrow. Many good friends have asked why I don't train anymore and I always give them some half-ass answer about school and kids. The real reason is that I'll be weak as fuck, I've gained a ton of disgusting weight and people will bother me with negatively-toned questions like "Haven't seen you in here for awhile. What happened?" Or comments like "I thought you gave up." If I could rock a sign that said "Leave me alone for the Summer" I'd be so much happier.
Tossed the occasional lap swimming in the mix as an escape plan for getting antsy at our neighborhood pool and have been getting gradually more active with dog walks and yard work but I've hit a weight loss plateau and need to crank up the workload. It's funny how weightlifting can give me so much confidence and then draw me down into depression with lack of consistency or progress. I'm slowly acknowledging my lack of coping skills due to addiction and am trying to overcome these repetitious thought patterns but it's fucking hard!
No alcohol coming up on 6 months and no trees in over 50 days and it still is all-encompassing: the triggers, anxiety, depression... daily occurrences unfortunately. Lower cravings due to Wellbutrin and less anxiety than the first 90 days because of Prozac, but damn... there's a long road ahead still. No wonder I was an advocate of whiskey and deadlifts smh.
It's been tough going through recovery and trying to lose weight. One of the keys to fighting alcoholism is omitting things slowly. It was hard not to stop drinking, go on a keto diet and hit the gym heavy. Two counselors talked me off that cliff so that I didn't fail the most important part - getting sober. They even advised I continue to smoke, continued caffeine intake, even continued to not follow a diet. I chose to cut the trees out after 3 months of no drinking because I'm hooked on researching this disease to learn how it works, the expected experiences I'll encounter, ways to understand the monster so I can better fight it... turns out weed becomes a coping mechanism and replaces the drinking so it doesn't allow me to create natural coping skills. Dopamine receptors acting almost the same for both smoking and drinking, I now have no way of "relaxing" other than relaxing. Can't take the edge off so I'm hoping for the right medicinal cocktail coupled with therapy and hard work to achieve a mental homeostasis. I know this might not feel like the right place to vent for some of y'all reading, but if it helps one more person in addressing their addiction or pushing forward with their recovery it's worth it to me. And fuck it, it's me being selfish because it's cathartic as hell.
I really want to get back to the iron. My shoulder feels better, my mind is clearing and I'm overweight. I need a lifting plan I enjoy, a diet that's easily attainable and not some super-restricting willpower struggle, and some guilt-free time away from the family. I lucked out recently - our daughter has shown signs of accelerated maturity and can stay home on her own if I go to lift. My son can also post up on a tablet and not have to color with screaming babies in the Kids' Zone. And for now, it won't be marathon two hour training sessions - just a quick 45 minute hit and a walk with the puppy in the neighborhood.
Apologies to those who helped me out so much in my quest for Elite these last couple years. I know I received special treatment and attention as I continued to smash PRs and then all of a sudden I turned into a ghost. It wasn't out of intentional disrespect - I never wanted to let y'all down. I just wasn't ready to give it my all, even though I presented the opposite picture. I was more ready to get blackout drunk and apologize to everyone in the morning.
Ok, enough sob-story shit.
Wish me luck. Should be pressing some plates in the upcoming days...
Congrats on all the milestones hit already! You're doing great things my man whether you see them all or not. I'm sure it difficult for the whole family but y'all know it's going to get better. Keep the updates coming
No reason to apologize. It's great that you're sober and you'll slowly make your way back to the iron. It'll always be there so no need to worry about that. You're health and well being should be first and foremost.
How's school coming along?
I'm the art director for the student-published newspaper, I'm doing professional commission work and am on the Dean's List. Things are looking like I'll graduate and immediately begin working, which isn't very common. I'm really excited - can't believe I've made it this far after the bottom I hit a few years ago.
That's great news. You should be very proud of that.
July 14, 2017
135 x 8 x 3
95 x 8 x 3
65 x 10 x 3
DB Raises SFR
10 x 12 x 3
Linked with three different homies from the gym three separate times in one day... and I'm not one to be superstitious so let's just say they were a good influence.
July 17, 2017
35 x 12 x 3
72 x 12 x 3
Seated cable Rows
70 x 12 x 3
EZ bar curls
45 x 12 x 3
15 x 12 x 3
Got some swimming in yesterday and came in today to try and perfect form and the mind/muscle connection. Weights were low and reps were controlled. Most of the people I knew from before aren't going to my gym anymore. Haven't been bothered once - it's nice.
Nice to see some log entries again GA. How are you feeling after a couple sessions?
Thanks, homie! I'm extremely sore everywhere and my energy levels are rising. Being on these anti-depressants has me tired as fuck all the time. An NSRI and SSRI plus allergy medicine has me feeling restless leg syndrome at 3-4pm daily. I'm taking the good with the bad.
Ssri's will knock the wind out your sails but they do their job. Soreness will fade and energy will return just keep doing what's rite for you and the family! Are you still killing the rolls (sushi)?
I haven't had sushi in a minute but it's funny you mention that - I'm eating some at my sister-in-law's tonight.
Getting my oldest kid an orientation early this morning so she can use the gym equipment as long as I'm beside her. This should lessen the guilt accompanying my workouts. Little man gets to play games on his tablet within eyesight instead of coloring shit in the kids' watch next to babies. Small changes here and there to make this more palatable for all...