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Drinking Poison Hoping The Other Person Dies - Vindictiveness - This You?

Do you drink poison hoping the other person dies?

  • Yes

    Votes: 3 33.3%
  • No

    Votes: 5 55.6%
  • I'm an angry guy, but I'm in denial

    Votes: 1 11.1%
  • Sometimes yes, sometimes no

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    9
Pig Vomit

Pig Vomit

VIP Member
Nov 12, 2022
218
352
So....three therapists....and each have told me I have a pattern of this....and I know it's true. I can be very, very vindictive. I was talking to a friend who works for my old agency the other day...and he told me he talks about me to the new officers and I'm a bit of a legend about what a good investigator I was, how I could be someone's best friend or their worst fucking enemy. One time I literally gave a tweaker ID theft suspect a heart attack during intense questioning. I was put off a little bit by the knowledge that my buddy is telling people who have never even met me about how doggedly I would pursue a suspect....or a supervisor....who had wronged me. I really couldn't argue with him because it's absolutely a fact. I've never lied in these situations, but have used the truth against people and will not let things go...especially people with badges who lie. There weren't many (that I knew of), but if I caught an officer lying about even a little thing in an official capacity, I was gonna F you hard. We're talking things that are still ongoing several years after I retired (it's been awhile). Still....ongoing....to this day. I'm even a bit ashamed about how badly I have pursued some of these people....but yet I still do it.

Yesterday I talked about how we had two Thanksgiving dinner visits planned. One of them was at the house of an officer I used to work with, and every year they have an open invite for everyone at the PD, because they are very kind people and don't want people to be lonely on holidays. I got a call from the officer while I was at the gym, and he told me that the person I had the biggest beef with at the PD had just RSVP'd to their dinner and he wanted to make sure I was aware because he knows how badly I hate this guy. I didn't really know what I was going to do, but the unbridled anger that welled up inside me started bubbling out of the pot, and during the first dinner I was obsessing over what I was going to do, and when we drove away from the first dinner, I had every intention of going home, freshening up, grabbing stuff we planned to bring, then would head over to the second dinner. When it came time to leave, the spouse just kind of assumed we would not be going. I was so worked up and angry that I decided it would not be a good idea, so we cancelled. I spent the entire afternoon, even at the first dinner, drinking poison hoping that MFer dies.

Mind you, I would not have made a scene, and I would not have been physically violent, but the tension that would have been in the air would have been palpable for everyone. I suppose in my fantasy he would have asked to speak with me and apologized for what he had done to me. I would not have been conciliatory, because I HATE liars with badges, but it might have given me some closure. But liars do not come around and tell the truth, they only rationalize and tell more lies. Thus I cancelled.

Tonight we DID go over to our friends' house for leftovers. I learned that the liar came alone the previous night, and it was clear he was lonely. I couldn't help but take some satisfaction from that, because I'm in a long-term stable relationship and frankly I hope that F'r dies lonely and miserable. Plus he got fat, and the mean MFer in me wants to just send a text or e-mail, not anonymous, that says "I hear you got fat." Short, simple, brutal.

So....wondering....does the concept of "drinking poison hoping the other person dies" resonate with you? Care to give examples? I'm putting up a poll for an easy out for people, but it would be nice if you could give examples. I think that as a whole body-obsessed people like probably most of us here are similar and have a greater propensity for this sort of thing than the general public.

I wish I could be more specific about what this guy did to me, but....privacy. I still have one ongoing court case left over from my career, and it's a big one, and it's another case of me being in dogged pursuit of someone with compromised morals, so I still have to be somewhat reserved in what I can talk about.
 
kid666

kid666

VIP Member
Jan 28, 2011
1,795
1,138
I've been going to AA for some years now and they use a very similar analogy about resentments. Me personally, when I would get a resentment against someone i not only would want to hurt that person, i would want to hurt them, their family, their pets, relatives etc. YES. I have anger issues. The fact that I recognize this madness today, is huge progress for me. Resentments WILL kill me. AA is my daily therapy.
 
beefnewton

beefnewton

VIP Member
Nov 11, 2022
312
400
I love me some schadenfreude and would have felt the same way. I will spend all of my free time and expend all of my energy finding a way for vengeance to find its target... and when it does I revel in it.
 
Last edited:
Rider

Rider

TID Board Of Directors
Aug 27, 2010
1,581
939
Good thread and yes I can understand. Good analogy by the way. Often I notice that the problem usually works itself out over a period of time. Believe me though, patience is a true virtue.

For example, bad bosses. Usually they remain in power for say 2 - 4 years, but eventually circumstances catch up to them eventually. It really does takes patience, but more often than not karma will catch up.
 
jipped genes

jipped genes

VIP Member
Oct 22, 2022
389
530
I read several books on relationships and resentment and how it absolutely ruins a person. It gave tips on how to change. I have lived that for 10 years now and letting things go has been my biggest hack to increasing the quality of my life. I am not perfect and do get bent from time to time but when I realize I feel like shit I push that stuff away as hard as that is and takes so much practice but in the end it is worth it. Saved my marriage, job, friendships. I am now a pretty damn happy guy 99% of the time, I do not get depressed very often and when I do I work out of it quickly.

People may say I wish I could do that.

Well you can, nothing special about me. People tell me "I wish I have your metabolism as they stuff cake in their mouth." I tell em "You can, Eat like me and train like me." they do not wanna hear it, they want a magic pill without work. Same thing, One must work diligently to beat back anger and resentment.
If I can do it, anyone can. Believe me I have many very large things I could be very upset and resentful about. Focus on your blessings and love yourself to start. (No BMJ, that does not mean touch yourself)

For books I recommend "The dance of anger" for relationships. It is written from the standpoint of a woman by a woman which I feel gives a soul a glimpse into the chaotic, insecure, emotional psyche of a female. You can also apply the tips and rules and if you can do it, it will help you. Amazingly, people you have been resentful of who return it back at you will slowly change as well.
 
SAD

SAD

TID Board Of Directors
Feb 3, 2011
3,626
2,173

Living in the past creates your future. Emotional attachment to past events, especially negative events, will kill you figuratively and literally. Find a way to move on.
 
genetic freak

genetic freak

VIP Member
Dec 28, 2015
1,307
1,464
I used to be exactly like that. Things have changed the last couple years though. I just don't care enough anymore about what others are doing or have done, I guess. Pretty much if it doesn't directly impact me or there is nothing I can do about it, I try and not spend a second thinking about it. A good PTSD counselor helped me with that one.
 
The Angry Chihuahua

The Angry Chihuahua

Member
Nov 12, 2022
32
56
I've been going to AA for some years now and they use a very similar analogy about resentments. Me personally, when I would get a resentment against someone i not only would want to hurt that person, i would want to hurt them, their family, their pets, relatives etc. YES. I have anger issues. The fact that I recognize this madness today, is huge progress for me. Resentments WILL kill me. AA is my daily therapy.
I was not free until I did steps 4 and 5. I had to face it and tell someone. The people who go back out, from what I have seen, never get past step 3. I still get angry, but it does not consume me anymore. I am proud of you! Don’t stop going!
 
The Angry Chihuahua

The Angry Chihuahua

Member
Nov 12, 2022
32
56
I was joking around one day, and I told someone, “I was like you once. Young, full head of hair. Then I turned around, and I had become an angry, grizzled Chihuahua.” It just kinda stuck. But I am not actually angry anymore. Oh, the news makes me angry, definitely. But in my life, things pretty much roll off now. I just look angry all the time. It took 47 years to get to this point, though, and it only happened through the grace of God.
 
IronSoul

IronSoul

TID Board Of Directors
Apr 2, 2013
6,204
1,906
Good post bro. I can definitely relate to this over the past few years. Especially my ex wife and everything she put me through. Wish there were more LE with your mindset though, especially about the issue with people with badges lying. Stay strong brother, don’t let that idiot rob you of your peace.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
kid666

kid666

VIP Member
Jan 28, 2011
1,795
1,138
I was not free until I did steps 4 and 5. I had to face it and tell someone. The people who go back out, from what I have seen, never get past step 3. I still get angry, but it does not consume me anymore. I am proud of you! Don’t stop going!
Yeah bud, I didn't enter the rooms till I was 52. Was 54 when i finally got a sponsor and went through the steps. I'm 58 now and things are so much better. Hell, yes, I still get angry, I'm human. But i don't act out on my anger anymore. I hit 3-4 meetings every week.
Sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack the thread, I just relate to it very well.
 
T

thehulk

VIP Member
Nov 16, 2022
146
198
Great post bro. My answer is “no.” It would take a real high bar to let another human cause me any degree of stress - a really high bar. Years ago however, I was the worst. I’d hold a grudge like a bulldog among other intermeshed problems.

Rather than swallow “poison”, I drink fuel now that drives me to better myself. I dunno if that makes sense, but that’s how I look at things. I also don’t go anywhere near problem people, if it were me I would have never even considered going for a minute if I knew that guy was gonna be there. No way.

I trust everyone….to be themselves. A liar is going to lie, a thief is going to steal, and a cheat is going to cheat. Once you see people for who they are you’ll never be disappointed and there isn’t even a need to give a F. Why spend time upsetting yourself, wasting your energy, bc a liar lied. Badge or no badge, that’s what liars do - lie.
 
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